A Want To Be Needed

Sometimes the most hurtful thing for us to realize is that we are not needed.  Deep down we all have this part of us that wants to be needed by someone else... that craves to be needed.  We care for them so much and have such a need for them in our lives that it hurts so much when we are not a need in theirs.  What really tears a person apart is when their own family does not need them.  If ones family does not leave them then what is their purpose?
My life circles around my brother.  When my dad left I could no longer trust him nor could I look to him to learn what love is and so I turned to my brother.  I suppose placing that kind of a burden on him really was not fair, but he was all I had to look up to.  As a daughter might look to her dad for every bit of praise, admiration, and care I look to my brother for this.  In all that I do I don't do it so my dad will be proud of me, I do it so my brother will.  I live and breathe for that next moment when I get to see my brother and I don't think I could ever love anyone as much as I do him.  When my brother is home I would encircle my entire world just to spend time with him.  If my brother is hurting I would give my own life just to help him.  Whenever I'm sad, lonely, hurt, confused about life... my brother is all that I think about.  He is the only one I ever want to talk to.
However...

My brother is a U.S. Marine...


Therefor our relationship is not what it used to be and he only drifts farther and farther away from me.  He does not ever let me help him.  I can't ever ask him for advice or talk to him when I'm feeling down because he is overseas and what I want to talk to him about really can't be typed out in an email.  My brother does not need me... This is so hard to hear and to admit to myself.  This also makes it difficult to unload my burdens on him because why add to the burdens he already bears when he will not unload his back on mine.  Why cause him more grievance and pain for my own selfish reasons when he won't trust me back with his?  It just... hurts.  I have this deep-seeded want... no... need to be needed.  Yet not even my family needs me.  It's thoughts like this that keep me up until 4 in the morning soaked in my own depression.  I have this ridiculous desire to help other people because I cannot help those that I truly want to help.  I put on a smile and go on with my day and don't burden people with what is on my heart because that is what I have learned... to hold on to the burdens yourself.  Why bother others with them?

This also is a major self image killer... if your own brother does not want to spend time with you... who would?

All I wanted... was a road trip with my brother...

Random Thoughts While Working The Desk

I am once again surprised to find out that people not only read my blog, but enjoy it and they are able to connect with it.  It really makes me feel bad when my grammar is wrong, or I make absolutely no sense as I go off into random tangents.  It also amazes me just the variety of people that read my blog.  I’ve had anywhere from my extended family reading it to people I just met, to people I don’t even know, but end up adding me on facebook for one reason or another, usually because of my faith. 

 That’s another thing that has me staring at my life like a deer in headlights: the ways God brings various people into my life!  The vast majority of it has been through facebook and the statuses I post.  A lot of my facebook stories have to do with expressing my faith or my awe at how AMAZING God is and people see that!  For example, I just recently had someone add me because he saw that I was friends with the Woodbury Marine Corp Recruitment Station and some other people who are joining the Marines.  He also saw that I was strong in my faith, so he added me as he is strong in his faith and joining the Marines.  He read my blog, especially the one about being a military girlfriend/etc.  He said it really helped him see things from that end of things and he was grateful because he has a lady currently and is leaving for the Marines as soon as he gets his post-grad.  I’m really glad my writing could help someone.  That’s all I ever want to do is to connect with people; whether that be through writing, photography, talking, music, or any other way out there.  I live for that moment when someone smiles at me because of something I’ve done.  I live and breathe to make people smile.

  It’s been brought up, on a few different occasions that I should go into ministry with my knack for having people randomly add me or talk to me just because they want to talk to me about faith, but I think that would almost ruin it.  I think one of the reasons why I am so approachable about faith is because I am just a regular person and I don’t hold some sort of figure-head in any church.  Some people are afraid to talk to those in ministers because they are afraid of being judged.  It is another reason, also, why I feel I am called to be a teacher or do overseas missionary work just building and living amongst the people, not necessarily preaching to them.  As a teacher students could come up to me.  Yes, I know in some public schools this is not allowed, but it is something I definitely want to look into and see where the rules bend at that.  I’ve also explored the idea of being a photographer for either TIME magazine or taking pictures of our troops overseas… I would LOVE to share my faith with troops overseas.  I think a lot of them lose their faith because they see so much hurt in the world and that just kills me inside.  They need faith more than anyone else, I think, BECAUSE they see so much hurt in the world.  In a world of hurt, it helps me so much to know that I have a light that is my amazing Lord and Savior.  It is a burden lifted to know that my Lord has a plan for everyone in all of the darkness, even if it is not the plan we have.  It’s like Shane Claibourne says, “The second I accepted Christ into my life, my life became chaos.”  The ways of the world are not the ways of the Lord and we need to learn to live for Him and not for this world.  Marissa put it really well during her speech at IV tonight, “we are not students on this campus above everything else, (as most organizations will tell you when they talk about how you need to focus on school instead of the organization) we are on this campus because God called us to this campus.”  That just struck me completely because it is SO true.  We get so caught up in our school work and the stress of trying to achieve that goal in the future that we miss the little things God calls us to RIGHT NOW.  And it is, with that thought, that I leave you my friends.  Do not close out the small things God calls you too, for it is sometimes, in those smallest moments, that the seed of faith is able to grow.

It's The Small Things

It is the little blessings that God puts into our lives that amaze me the most.  I was making a deposit through the drive through window at the bank when I looked over and saw a minivan two isles over.  In the back of the van was a small girl with blonde hair who looked to be about the age of four.  I couldn’t help but smiling and waving at the adorable character and she turned away from me and towards her mother.  Although I could not see the girl’s face, I could only assume that she told her mother in the front see about the lady in the truck that just waved at them, as the mother looked at me and smiled.  The mother then proceeded (I thank the Lord for my lip-reading skills on this one) to ask the daughter if she had waved back.  Before long I had 2 little girls’ faces waving at me (I had not seen her twin sister in the seat next to her) with sparkling eyes complimenting their broad smiles.  The mom continued to look back at me and smile even after her children had stopped waving.  I couldn’t help but to feel a surge of joy come within myself.  A smile I know I have caused is all it takes to make my day and I had just received three.  Live for the moment and rejoice in the simple things in life.  God’s beauty is all around you and nothing can take you away from that!

The rest of the day consisted of a drive up to Birch Shores with me randomly quoting a single line from Family Guy by shouting ‘butt scratcher!’ at random moments throughout the trip.  My mother would be annoyed by it one minute, and the next minute she’d be laughing hysterically.  I think I frightened the lady at the Walgreens pharmacy by randomly saying that line as well.  Oh well, such is life and I enjoy it!  I am now at Birch Shores, surrounded by temptations that have brought me away from God’s grace in the past, yet I feel a certain peace about this year.  I have a feeling at this year, the enemy’s temptations will have no taunt for me as God is my Lord and Savior and there is nothing that I need in this world besides Him.  In the mean time, I look forward to once again being in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, so close yet so far from school, and waking up to the smells and the sounds of Great Manistique Lake.  Thank you, Lord, for your almighty beauty.   

Thunder Storm

Nothing makes my day more than a rainstorm.  Today I came home after sleeping at a friends house, hopped in the shower, then just lounged around my house.  It wasn't long before I heard the clash of thunder outside and watched the rain quickly come down.  So naturally, of course, I put on one of my cute summer dresses, hooked my iphone up to some speakers in the garage, played "slow dancing in the burning room" by John Mayer, and danced barefoot in the mud and pouring rain.  It really is the simple pleasures in life that make it worth while.

Upon returning inside my dog, who had been barking the entire time I was dancing, greeted me as if I'd been gone for months.  When I went upstairs, she tweaked at the bottom barking and barking.  I just ignored her, but thought it was strange that she was acting so crazy.  She then, apparently, became so desperate she attempted to go up 3 steps, realized she was afraid of stairs, then started yiping.  I immediately went to get her... poor dog was shivering like mad... Forgot this is the first thunderstorm of the year... oops.  The second I picked her up and was near her she was fine.  She refuses to be further than a foot away from me and if I go somewhere she cannot, she barks until I get back.

What really got me thinking, and maybe this is a bit out of the bark, was at one point she was sitting calmly on my stomach and then the thunder roared and she immediately was at attention on the top of the couch barking and then silently observing... I always wondered if that was what it was like for soldiers on the battlefront.. They stand tall and brave and strong as they protect their country and their loved ones, but inside is just a little boy holding a toy gun shivering with fear at the unknown darkness stretching out before him.  This thought sends shivers down my spine and suddenly I'm really missing all of my Marines fighting for our freedom.  I really hope Ian and David are alright... I don't know what I would do without my 2 best friends... although one is a real brother and one is not, I love them both and it is just difficult to see them afraid.  Ian it is a bit easier to picture as that small boy holding a toy gun, because it does not seem all that long ago that he and I were playing 'secret agents' with our little toy nerf guns.  Now he is walking up to live bombs and saving lives by defusing them... My big brother is all grown up and so must I be as I sit here and pray; waiting for my Marines to come home.

Summer Time

Well, I somehow survived finals and have now floated into the glorious beauty that is summer.  I promise I will get better at writing in my blog, especially now that Ian is deployed.  For now it is off to my usual busy Wednesday!

McConnell Out

Final Photography Project

These images plus one or two more are images I plan to use for my final 'Artist's Statement' photography portfolio for my AD117 class.  They are meant to show the effects of deployment on the homefront.