The First Day...

Breathe in, breathe out; stop, think.  How does one describe emotion?  How does one describe the feeling of having their heart torn out and their world shattered?  The pain and the emotion cannot be described, but I can at least tell you the story of that day and the days to follow and hope that you get some basic idea....

I'd been staying at Josh's house that night.  We had argued through most of the night and I already had to wake up early for work that day so, needless to say, I was a bit pissed when he woke me up at 0600; a whole hour before my alarm was supposed to go off.  He had this frantic look in his eyes and his voice was calm, but there was a slight sting of urgency behind it.

"Meg, you need to get up, you need to get dressed."
"But I don't have to get up for work for another hour!." I curtly replied and pulled the sheets over my head.
"No, I already called Dr Kanner; there are some people coming to see you, Meg, you need to get up and get dressed."

This confused me.  People were coming to see me?  Who the heck was coming to see me at six in the morning?  I tried to coax Josh into telling me what was going on, but he wouldn't.  That's when the nausea hit me.  It was like a full force tidal wave rushing over my entire body.  I shouldn't really call it nausea so much as it felt like someone had literally stuck their hands in my stomach and my heart and was squeezing both with all their might.  It HURT.  I knew something was wrong and my heart kept telling me it had to do with Ian, but that just didn't make sense to me.  Ian wasn't deployed - he was home!  I had moved out to CA so I could see him more!  There was no way anything could have happened to him, so what was I feeling?

I got dressed with shaking hands, located my bible, and clutched it tightly to myself.  Who could possibly be coming for me?  Is something wrong with me?  What is going on?  I was so scared I started to cry.

Finally, after what seemed like a life time, there was a knock at the door.  Josh led me over and I opened the door to see the 3 familiar faces of Benjamin Lepping (Gus), Roxanne, and Amber.  One look in Amber's eyes and I knew something was wrong with Ian.  She had this haunted look on her face and her eyes were large and puffy from tears.  Roxanne had this look on her face that was completely indescribable - it was as if she was off in a completely different place seeing a nightmare that I could not even dream of.  Why else would his 3 best friends be standing at my door right now?  Was he in a motorcycle accident? Was he okay?  No, Ian was not okay; I could tell this much just by looking at Amber's face.  Had my brother... died in a motorcycle accident?  The thoughts rushed through my head, but I held myself together.

"Can we come in?" Gus's voice broke the silence.

I nodded and Josh and I led the group to the dining room where I sat down with Gus on my left and Amber on my right.  I already knew Ian was dead, but it wasn't until Gus confirmed it that I broke down and cried.  I cried for maybe a minute before I took a deep breath, clutched my bible tighter, held Amber's hand, straightened my posture and looked Gus in the eye before asking the big question, "What happened?"

The answer that came was not at all what I was expecting.

"Your brother commited suicide, he shot himself."

Complete shock, my world was spinning, crashing, diving, I was falling down a black hole of despair.  He did what!?  Not Ian!  He had just been accepted to MARSOC, his little sis has just moved out to live closer to him, he lived in CALIFORNIA for heaven's sake!  Sure he and Amber had recently broken up, but that was not effecting him at all; he was fine with it and had even moved on!  I broke down again, this time for maybe two minutes before gathering myself again and putting my best business face on. 

"What now?" I asked. 

Gus went through to explain the whole process of how NCIS was doing an investigation and how the Marine Corps would be finding a place to keep my brother's body until it was time to go home as well as the whole process of what would happen after that.  Josh informed me that Pastor Matt was on his way over and, sure enough, Matt showed up at the door about 5 minutes later.  It was so good having Matt there to remind me of God's presence through all of this, but I still felt cold.  Being my typical self, I did not have a single care about how I was doing.  Instead, I busied myself with making sure someone was going to tell those close to Ian such as Zac and Kayti Hemmerling (I even took it upon myself to call certain individuals) and I called my mom to make sure she was okay.  We exchanged our 'I love you's' and promised each other we would get through this.

I received several phone calls from people from Barabbas Road Church.  (Matt had asked if he could pass along the word.)  After making sure I had solid support and would be okay, Gus and Roxanne left to go take care of some more stuff with this whole ordeal. 

I held tight to Amber's hand and talked with Matt, Josh, and Amber while excusing myself ocasionally to go outside and take a phone call or two.  A few conversations still stand out to me as they were the most difficult:

I texted Kayti at one point saying simply 'Call me when you find out...'
'Find out what?'
'love you.'
'What?'
'Call me later, k?'
'Sure thing' 'What's going on?'
'love you.'

It was about 30 minutes later that I received another text from her.
'I just talked to St Dennis at Ian's shop.  I'm in shock.  I'll call you later.  Love you. Don't text Zac.  He needs to focus on the range.  I'll tell him when he gets home.'

I got a call from Zac about an hour later.  Kayti had told Zac once he got home from work.  Zac and I both broke down on the phone. Both of us expressing questions that the other couldn't answer.  I made sure Zac was okay and made him promise to check back soon.

I remember texting Michelle then having her call me.  It was a huge shock to her (as it was to everyone else..._
I remember calling Sarah Meissner.  I don't know who was more difficult to talk to, Sarah or Zac.  I did not have to tell the news to Zac, but I did have to break it to Sarah.  I had to literally choke the words out.  I could feel my heart breaking all over again as I heard hers breaking over the phone.  Sarah would later become one of my strongest supports through all of this.  (And not just for me, but for my family as well)

The rest of the afternoon was pretty much a blur.  I sat in silence for the most part; the only time I really talked was when my phone rang.  Amber eventually went over to her sister's place and Matt was replaced by Scott.  It was a huge comfort having Scott there, especially when he took out his guitar and started to play... it reminded me of all the times I needed comforting so I would go into Patrick's dorm room and lay on the floor and listen to him play guitar. 

I'd excuse myself on occasion to go cry.  Each time I felt like my entire heart was being wrenched out with my sobs.  I took a nap in the afternoon and a shower and felt a bit better.  I managed to pull myself together enough to go to my church's 'Core Group' with everyone.  It was difficult to keep from crying half the time, but people were so good and I felt their prayers all throughout the week.  It was a fun evening and I was able to smile and laugh through it all thanks to having an awesome chalking group (Libby, Matt and Scott) and an open air jeep with the stereo cranked and Scott sinking down in embarassment in his seat.  I was able to put aside the hell I was going through and pretend everything was normal again.  I would give almost anything to be able to stay like that, to continue to pretend that nothing had happened, but I wouldn't be able to pretend for long... The nightmare I'd dreamt for years was no longer just in my sleep; it had become my new reality.

To be continued...
McConnell out.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:38-39

A Want To Be Needed

Sometimes the most hurtful thing for us to realize is that we are not needed.  Deep down we all have this part of us that wants to be needed by someone else... that craves to be needed.  We care for them so much and have such a need for them in our lives that it hurts so much when we are not a need in theirs.  What really tears a person apart is when their own family does not need them.  If ones family does not leave them then what is their purpose?
My life circles around my brother.  When my dad left I could no longer trust him nor could I look to him to learn what love is and so I turned to my brother.  I suppose placing that kind of a burden on him really was not fair, but he was all I had to look up to.  As a daughter might look to her dad for every bit of praise, admiration, and care I look to my brother for this.  In all that I do I don't do it so my dad will be proud of me, I do it so my brother will.  I live and breathe for that next moment when I get to see my brother and I don't think I could ever love anyone as much as I do him.  When my brother is home I would encircle my entire world just to spend time with him.  If my brother is hurting I would give my own life just to help him.  Whenever I'm sad, lonely, hurt, confused about life... my brother is all that I think about.  He is the only one I ever want to talk to.
However...

My brother is a U.S. Marine...


Therefor our relationship is not what it used to be and he only drifts farther and farther away from me.  He does not ever let me help him.  I can't ever ask him for advice or talk to him when I'm feeling down because he is overseas and what I want to talk to him about really can't be typed out in an email.  My brother does not need me... This is so hard to hear and to admit to myself.  This also makes it difficult to unload my burdens on him because why add to the burdens he already bears when he will not unload his back on mine.  Why cause him more grievance and pain for my own selfish reasons when he won't trust me back with his?  It just... hurts.  I have this deep-seeded want... no... need to be needed.  Yet not even my family needs me.  It's thoughts like this that keep me up until 4 in the morning soaked in my own depression.  I have this ridiculous desire to help other people because I cannot help those that I truly want to help.  I put on a smile and go on with my day and don't burden people with what is on my heart because that is what I have learned... to hold on to the burdens yourself.  Why bother others with them?

This also is a major self image killer... if your own brother does not want to spend time with you... who would?

All I wanted... was a road trip with my brother...

Random Thoughts While Working The Desk

I am once again surprised to find out that people not only read my blog, but enjoy it and they are able to connect with it.  It really makes me feel bad when my grammar is wrong, or I make absolutely no sense as I go off into random tangents.  It also amazes me just the variety of people that read my blog.  I’ve had anywhere from my extended family reading it to people I just met, to people I don’t even know, but end up adding me on facebook for one reason or another, usually because of my faith. 

 That’s another thing that has me staring at my life like a deer in headlights: the ways God brings various people into my life!  The vast majority of it has been through facebook and the statuses I post.  A lot of my facebook stories have to do with expressing my faith or my awe at how AMAZING God is and people see that!  For example, I just recently had someone add me because he saw that I was friends with the Woodbury Marine Corp Recruitment Station and some other people who are joining the Marines.  He also saw that I was strong in my faith, so he added me as he is strong in his faith and joining the Marines.  He read my blog, especially the one about being a military girlfriend/etc.  He said it really helped him see things from that end of things and he was grateful because he has a lady currently and is leaving for the Marines as soon as he gets his post-grad.  I’m really glad my writing could help someone.  That’s all I ever want to do is to connect with people; whether that be through writing, photography, talking, music, or any other way out there.  I live for that moment when someone smiles at me because of something I’ve done.  I live and breathe to make people smile.

  It’s been brought up, on a few different occasions that I should go into ministry with my knack for having people randomly add me or talk to me just because they want to talk to me about faith, but I think that would almost ruin it.  I think one of the reasons why I am so approachable about faith is because I am just a regular person and I don’t hold some sort of figure-head in any church.  Some people are afraid to talk to those in ministers because they are afraid of being judged.  It is another reason, also, why I feel I am called to be a teacher or do overseas missionary work just building and living amongst the people, not necessarily preaching to them.  As a teacher students could come up to me.  Yes, I know in some public schools this is not allowed, but it is something I definitely want to look into and see where the rules bend at that.  I’ve also explored the idea of being a photographer for either TIME magazine or taking pictures of our troops overseas… I would LOVE to share my faith with troops overseas.  I think a lot of them lose their faith because they see so much hurt in the world and that just kills me inside.  They need faith more than anyone else, I think, BECAUSE they see so much hurt in the world.  In a world of hurt, it helps me so much to know that I have a light that is my amazing Lord and Savior.  It is a burden lifted to know that my Lord has a plan for everyone in all of the darkness, even if it is not the plan we have.  It’s like Shane Claibourne says, “The second I accepted Christ into my life, my life became chaos.”  The ways of the world are not the ways of the Lord and we need to learn to live for Him and not for this world.  Marissa put it really well during her speech at IV tonight, “we are not students on this campus above everything else, (as most organizations will tell you when they talk about how you need to focus on school instead of the organization) we are on this campus because God called us to this campus.”  That just struck me completely because it is SO true.  We get so caught up in our school work and the stress of trying to achieve that goal in the future that we miss the little things God calls us to RIGHT NOW.  And it is, with that thought, that I leave you my friends.  Do not close out the small things God calls you too, for it is sometimes, in those smallest moments, that the seed of faith is able to grow.

It's The Small Things

It is the little blessings that God puts into our lives that amaze me the most.  I was making a deposit through the drive through window at the bank when I looked over and saw a minivan two isles over.  In the back of the van was a small girl with blonde hair who looked to be about the age of four.  I couldn’t help but smiling and waving at the adorable character and she turned away from me and towards her mother.  Although I could not see the girl’s face, I could only assume that she told her mother in the front see about the lady in the truck that just waved at them, as the mother looked at me and smiled.  The mother then proceeded (I thank the Lord for my lip-reading skills on this one) to ask the daughter if she had waved back.  Before long I had 2 little girls’ faces waving at me (I had not seen her twin sister in the seat next to her) with sparkling eyes complimenting their broad smiles.  The mom continued to look back at me and smile even after her children had stopped waving.  I couldn’t help but to feel a surge of joy come within myself.  A smile I know I have caused is all it takes to make my day and I had just received three.  Live for the moment and rejoice in the simple things in life.  God’s beauty is all around you and nothing can take you away from that!

The rest of the day consisted of a drive up to Birch Shores with me randomly quoting a single line from Family Guy by shouting ‘butt scratcher!’ at random moments throughout the trip.  My mother would be annoyed by it one minute, and the next minute she’d be laughing hysterically.  I think I frightened the lady at the Walgreens pharmacy by randomly saying that line as well.  Oh well, such is life and I enjoy it!  I am now at Birch Shores, surrounded by temptations that have brought me away from God’s grace in the past, yet I feel a certain peace about this year.  I have a feeling at this year, the enemy’s temptations will have no taunt for me as God is my Lord and Savior and there is nothing that I need in this world besides Him.  In the mean time, I look forward to once again being in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, so close yet so far from school, and waking up to the smells and the sounds of Great Manistique Lake.  Thank you, Lord, for your almighty beauty.   

Thunder Storm

Nothing makes my day more than a rainstorm.  Today I came home after sleeping at a friends house, hopped in the shower, then just lounged around my house.  It wasn't long before I heard the clash of thunder outside and watched the rain quickly come down.  So naturally, of course, I put on one of my cute summer dresses, hooked my iphone up to some speakers in the garage, played "slow dancing in the burning room" by John Mayer, and danced barefoot in the mud and pouring rain.  It really is the simple pleasures in life that make it worth while.

Upon returning inside my dog, who had been barking the entire time I was dancing, greeted me as if I'd been gone for months.  When I went upstairs, she tweaked at the bottom barking and barking.  I just ignored her, but thought it was strange that she was acting so crazy.  She then, apparently, became so desperate she attempted to go up 3 steps, realized she was afraid of stairs, then started yiping.  I immediately went to get her... poor dog was shivering like mad... Forgot this is the first thunderstorm of the year... oops.  The second I picked her up and was near her she was fine.  She refuses to be further than a foot away from me and if I go somewhere she cannot, she barks until I get back.

What really got me thinking, and maybe this is a bit out of the bark, was at one point she was sitting calmly on my stomach and then the thunder roared and she immediately was at attention on the top of the couch barking and then silently observing... I always wondered if that was what it was like for soldiers on the battlefront.. They stand tall and brave and strong as they protect their country and their loved ones, but inside is just a little boy holding a toy gun shivering with fear at the unknown darkness stretching out before him.  This thought sends shivers down my spine and suddenly I'm really missing all of my Marines fighting for our freedom.  I really hope Ian and David are alright... I don't know what I would do without my 2 best friends... although one is a real brother and one is not, I love them both and it is just difficult to see them afraid.  Ian it is a bit easier to picture as that small boy holding a toy gun, because it does not seem all that long ago that he and I were playing 'secret agents' with our little toy nerf guns.  Now he is walking up to live bombs and saving lives by defusing them... My big brother is all grown up and so must I be as I sit here and pray; waiting for my Marines to come home.

Summer Time

Well, I somehow survived finals and have now floated into the glorious beauty that is summer.  I promise I will get better at writing in my blog, especially now that Ian is deployed.  For now it is off to my usual busy Wednesday!

McConnell Out

Final Photography Project

These images plus one or two more are images I plan to use for my final 'Artist's Statement' photography portfolio for my AD117 class.  They are meant to show the effects of deployment on the homefront.