Friday, September 10, 2010

A Want To Be Needed

Sometimes the most hurtful thing for us to realize is that we are not needed.  Deep down we all have this part of us that wants to be needed by someone else... that craves to be needed.  We care for them so much and have such a need for them in our lives that it hurts so much when we are not a need in theirs.  What really tears a person apart is when their own family does not need them.  If ones family does not leave them then what is their purpose?
My life circles around my brother.  When my dad left I could no longer trust him nor could I look to him to learn what love is and so I turned to my brother.  I suppose placing that kind of a burden on him really was not fair, but he was all I had to look up to.  As a daughter might look to her dad for every bit of praise, admiration, and care I look to my brother for this.  In all that I do I don't do it so my dad will be proud of me, I do it so my brother will.  I live and breathe for that next moment when I get to see my brother and I don't think I could ever love anyone as much as I do him.  When my brother is home I would encircle my entire world just to spend time with him.  If my brother is hurting I would give my own life just to help him.  Whenever I'm sad, lonely, hurt, confused about life... my brother is all that I think about.  He is the only one I ever want to talk to.

My brother is a U.S. Marine...

Therefor our relationship is not what it used to be and he only drifts farther and farther away from me.  He does not ever let me help him.  I can't ever ask him for advice or talk to him when I'm feeling down because he is overseas and what I want to talk to him about really can't be typed out in an email.  My brother does not need me... This is so hard to hear and to admit to myself.  This also makes it difficult to unload my burdens on him because why add to the burdens he already bears when he will not unload his back on mine.  Why cause him more grievance and pain for my own selfish reasons when he won't trust me back with his?  It just... hurts.  I have this deep-seeded want... no... need to be needed.  Yet not even my family needs me.  It's thoughts like this that keep me up until 4 in the morning soaked in my own depression.  I have this ridiculous desire to help other people because I cannot help those that I truly want to help.  I put on a smile and go on with my day and don't burden people with what is on my heart because that is what I have learned... to hold on to the burdens yourself.  Why bother others with them?

This also is a major self image killer... if your own brother does not want to spend time with you... who would?

All I wanted... was a road trip with my brother...