Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Moving Forward


That is the only word I can think of to describe how I have felt since the day my brother died.  I wish that God would literally move my body like a puppett so I don't have to think to move it myself.  Work, school, finances - even social life - I just want to quit it all and lay on the beach and cry.  I'm so exhausted and stressed.  Dealing with life and all of its crap, even the good things, is almost too much for me right now.

I sit at work - I do everything I can to smile and be extra awesome and friendly to patients as they come in and on the phone, but I feel myself just draining away and wanting to be anywhere else but here.

School - I study for hours on end - I do everything I can to retain all the information.  Being a good EMT and eventually an excellent Paramedic means everything to me.  However, no matter how hard I study, it is like nothing sticks any more.  My brain is fried.  I know all this information already and yet, when it comes time to take the tests online, I just cannot do it.

Social Life - I love spending time with my friends and I love being around them, but there are so many things I just do not want to deal with.  Regular friendships are awesome, but the idea of a relationship just completely overwhelms me.  It's almost like I don't ever want to be in a relationship ever again and yet I want to feel loved and be held...all the things that come with a relationship without the emotional side of it from me.  I want to take care of them, make them food etc, but emotionally... it's like I'm completely shut off.  I just cannot care.

I want so badly to be a completely caring person like I used to be.  I want to be like Ian, but no matter how hard I try it's like I just plain cannot care anymore.  I keep plugging forward, keep doing everything I need to do, but the motivation just isn't there.  It's like Ian took everything that made me... ME... with him.

I suppose it makes sense.  When Ian died my home went with him.  Ian was who raised me and he is everything that makes up who I am.  Now, I just don't know where to go.  I lost my idol, my life, my everything... and I no longer know how to be Meg, because Meg and Ian were the same person with only slight modification.  It's not that I've never been me all these years, it's that me was Ian.  (if that makes any sense...) 

I keep dreading the weirdest things.  The idea of getting married and not knowing who is going to walk me down the aisle.  After my dad and my relationship became slightly rocky, I always knew it would be Ian, but now who?  I dread my next birthday, because Ian will forever be stuck at the age of 24.  We will no longer be 3 years apart... the day I pass Ian in age... it's going to crush me. 

Christmas without Ian is going to be empty.  We were at least able to count on a phone call from him around that time.  Now, we can expect nothing.

I've also lost my ability to fly for free through my dad.  Delta is having an audit, so I can no longer get by as just an EMT student.  I have to be a full time bachelor degree pursuing student.  I feel completely marooned - separated from Ian, my mom, my friends in Michigan.  California is no longer an easy transition.  I'm completely lost in what I need and where I need to be. 

I'm clinging to God, still, with all that I am.  I put my entire being into my faith to survive, but my heart cannot even feel the familiar fire burning inside.  It really is as if everything inside of me as just died.

I'm sorry this has seemed to be nothing except a depressive rant, but welcome to life after death.  I know it will get better one day - or that is what people keep telling me, but, in the mean time, this is how I am.  :-\

McConnell Out