Friday, November 4, 2011

Four Months

Four Months....

I cannot believe how quickly the time has gone by and yet how fresh the pain still feels.  As I trudge through this rainy day, I find myself feeling oddly nostalgic for the funeral home room where Ian's casket had resided for the visitation. I wish I could go back to that dimly lit room, the smell of his decay floating in the air, complete silence all around me, and just sit with him and cry on the couch once again.  I wish I could feel the comfort of knowing that there was a Marine in the next room - a random stranger - that was watching over my brother and myself.  I wish I could feel Ian's physical presence right there with me again.  Even in death, his body still warmed the room.  On the day my brother's body was placed in the ground, I completely cracked.  That warmth, that feeling of him still being near me was lost in the ground.  It was in that moment that the full reality hit me.

He's left me here, alone.

I wish I could have stayed in the dark with him forever...

Instead, the light shines on me and I'm forced to keep stepping forward into reality.

One step at a time, 
I get through each day.  
One tear at a time, 
I cry myself to sleep each night.  
All I want is Ian. 
All I want is my big brother.

It's strange to me, that I keep wanting to be in that dimly lit room.  Although I do wish that I could have Ian back, this isn't even why I wish to be back in that room.  However, what I do want is for that feeling of warmth and comfort in my sorrow.  I want to feel that raw pain again.  I want to be in the same room as him again.  There was something almost warm about when I first found out he was gone.  I am not sure if it was the hope that he could possibly still be alive, or if it was all the support  we had from loved ones, or if it was simply the nice calming break from life - but it was warm despite the cold sorrow.  Now, I feel only icy cold jabbing into my heart.  It is a feeling of deep despair and exhaustion while feeling numb through and through.  I just want to break off from the rest of the world and sit with my brother.  I'd give anything to curl up with a sleeping bag by his grave and fall asleep right there for days on end. I just want to be near my brother once more.

Time and time again I reach for my phone to call and tell Ian about something going on in my life, or ask him if he wants to come over for Thanksgiving, or see if he plans on seeing the new Batman movie, or if he's heard about a new video game coming out.  Time and time again I'm left drowning in the sorrow of realization as I place my phone back into my pocket.

I have so much love and support around me and yet none of it feels like enough.  No one is my brother and no one could ever be my brother.  I'm so grateful for all that everyone has been trying to do, but it isn't the same.  I'm able to forget for a few hours while I hang out with friends or go dancing at In Cahoots, but, at the end of the day, I'm still left to deal with the pain.  No one understands it - no one can fully comprehend my pain.  All I want to do is curl up on that couch again, smell my brother's scent (decay or not... it was still Ian...) and sleep.

I miss you, Ian.  I miss you more than you or anyone else could possibly know.  We had a friendship closer than any I have ever seen.  Thank you for always being open with me and sharing the details of your life.  I love you so much.  You are my one and only forever.  Just like you can't be you without me, I cannot be me without you.  Instead I'm lost in this lump of sorrow.  I try to move forward, I try to let other people help pull me out, but, at the end of the day, I'm just stuck here without you.  I need my angel to come save me...

I love you always, best friend.