Monday, August 20, 2012


A million calming emotions can be expressed through a smile.  Every day I smile for those around me.  I smile for my patients, my friends, my family, myself...  I've buried the dark clouds within me so deeply that when they finally surface they are a raging storm.  I wish there was some way I could convey to those who don't understand what it's like to lose the single person you are most close to.  Every time you go out and search in the world for someone or multiple someone else to take care of you like the one you lost did you come up disappointed and empty handed.  I wish I could describe to the world the pain that occurs when you re-realize that they're gone. 

I could be having a really amazing day - happy as can be without a care in the world.  Then, out of no where, some random event triggers a memory... the event could be happy or sad - and not everything directly related to Ian brings it up... shoot-- I could talk about him for hours and be fine!  However, for some reason, random unexpected things strike me at just the right angle and my mind and heart remind me over and over again that he's gone. 


I cannot emphasize those words enough.  They are the words that strike the deepest and hurt the most.  Yes, it's a reminder, but it's more than that.. I have no idea how to describe it- I really don't.  It's like the words bring with them a hurricane all on their own.  I'm swept away in the realization of the truth of these words.  Every time, without fail, no matter how much time has passed, it all feels fresh once again.  In my mind and in my heart it is as if I just learned my brother has died and I'm having to deal with it all over again.  In my mind and my heart, my brother died today - that really is how it felt.  I know he died over a year ago and today isn't even a monthly anniversary, but my entire being feels the freshness of the pain just as strongly as it did the first day, if not stronger.  Each day I realize I have to keep going on without him is not another battle, but another war in and of itself.  I really do not know how to do this life without him.  As people in my life let me down left and right it's another painful reminder of the ever strong support I had with Ian.  People will say that he is still there supporting me in my heart, but, dammit people - it's not the same!  I'm sick of people trying to make me feel better - I know y'all have good intentions, but it doesn't help!  The pain and the reality are still the same and my brother is still gone.  Unless you can bring him back, don't even try.  Just give me a hug and leave me alone to, once again, swallow my 'new' reality.

I have an amazing job and my own apartment and I finally feel like my life is moving forward as far as success is concerned.  However, I still feel like I'm at a standstill.  I don't want to move forward without my brother and yet, here I am, having to move, reluctant step after reluctant step, forward into my future without him.  Yes, I do have my happiness a lot more, but all my happiness feels like some sort of a cover for the clouds and the storms still raging deep within me.  Life just doesn't make sense without Ian.  It's as if I cannot force myself to fully accept that this is reality and not just some nightmare I'll awaken from one day.  I miss my brother and I'd give anything to be able to hear his voice coaching me through life once more... (once again, please don't give me that 'he's talking to me through my heart or from what I learned from him in the past crap... it's not the same and you all know it!  So just... seriously, STOP)  I just want my brother.  I don't want anyone's advice!  I'm sick of people giving me advice on how to still feel like my brother is around.  I hate it more than anything else!  He is GONE.  Stop trying to make me feel for something that isn't really there.  He's NOT there.  I want him back as he was before July 2nd, 2011.  I want my flesh and blood brother back.  I want to be back to starting our real future out in California together.  I want to go back to our plans to buy my mom's house and live close to each other!  I want my kids to hear stories from their crazy uncle Ian!  I want to know what his kids would look like!  I want nieces and nephews... real, blood, nieces and nephews.  I'll NEVER have them!  Marriage nieces and nephews are one thing, but I want to grow up spoiling my brother's kids - and now I never will.  To those of you who have siblings with kids - cherish your nieces and nephews forever.  They are such an amazing blessing.  For those of you who have always been an only child - be glad.  You never have to deal with expecting to one day have amazing nieces and nephews running around and then have that torn away from you.  Nothing in life is certain and it sucks.

I want my brother... I want my future with him back.  I want my real dreams back.  The career I'm in, yes, it's part of my dream... but all of my dreams seem pointless without my brother in them...I hate it.

On that terrible July 2011 entire life stopped making sense and it hasn't made sense since.